I Just Couldn't Do It Anymore
by 12kirby12
Summary: Hello, potential readers. This story is not for the faint of heart. This contains... well, if I told ya, ya wouldn't be surprised, would you? My name is Luna Elvira Night and this is one of my darker tales. This is a one-shot, unless requested otherwise.


I guess this would be the part where I would explain why I was doing this, what drove me over the edge, what made me do... this.

What was "this"?

Suicide. Plain and simple. Not easy for someone like me; someone with a healing factor. But doable. Not easy, but possible.

I suppose I should start at the beginning, but that's just it. There _was_ no beginning. It was the little things that did it.

It was in the way he trained hour after hour with Kitty, honing her skills in hand-to-hand combat in the Dojo, (yes, they had one of those in the Institute) until she was nearly on par with Cyclops.

It was in the way he would always take Jubilee out for a ride every Friday night, and never ask me along.

It was in the way he would talk with Rogue about problems her powers were giving her, spending hours on end with the Professor to help her until, finally, she learned to control them. Not completely, but enough.

It was in the way he would sit Laura's room when she had a nightmare, a memory, and just hold her all night long, soothing her. The one time I had a nightmare, a memory, he wasn't there. I woke up with a jolt, with a muffled scream, and he wasn't there.

He had business in Canada.

I never screamed again. I just sat there and shook, holding myself until the morning came and chased the memories away.

I know what you're thinking. "You're just being a baby. It couldn't have been that bad." Well, I have an answer to that. "You weren't there." You didn't see the look of disappointment in his eyes the _one_ time I failed a Danger Room session. You didn't hear the defeat in his voice when he mumbled, "Good job. You can try again tomorrow."

You. Weren't. There.

I suddenly just wasn't enough. There was no more "Good job, darlin'. You'll get 'em next time." To be truthful, there was no more "darlin'" at all. He quit calling me darlin'. The one term of endearment I had, and he dropped it. Now it was just Luna, or, more increasingly, Tigress. "Come on, Tigress. Danger Room session." Or, "Tigress, would ya care to hurry up? Yer team is waitin' on ya." I ceased to be Luna to him. I... I was just a soldier again.

That just triggered memories of SHIELD. Memories I wish I never had.

You know, Kitty might have to suffer though being called "Half-Pint" and all, but at least its a pet name. A sign he loves her. Jubilee is always Jubes or, sometimes, Firecracker. I even heard him refer to her once as "Partner." Forget that I'm the guy's niece. Forget that I am his flesh and blood. She was his first. I guess I just can't compete with that. I can't compete with Rogue, or "Stripes," and sometimes even Marie. I can't compete with it. It's like I went from being "one of the girls" to "the girls and Luna." I wasn't important anymore. I didn't have Kitty's intelligence, or Jubilee's enthusiasm, or even Laura's training. I had a past, sure. But I guess that ceased to matter to anyone but me.

Reading back over this, I realize that I sound whiny and ungrateful. I sound like a little kid who didn't get her way. So I'm going to remedy that.

I love each and every member of the Institute. I'm grateful to the Professor for the training, Kurt and the others all for their friendship, even Scott for his leadership.

There. I said it.

I started to stay in my room or out in the woods, alone. But of course, that wasn't good enough either. I was locked out of my room and locked into the Mansion. "Socialize." I was told, while some of the students still gave me dirty looks for being Sabretooth's daughter. Yeah, you heard me right. I was the offspring of Sabretooth, most feared mutant this side of Canada.

Well, all that was fine and dandy. I dealt with it. For two months I dealt with it. The looks at school, the looks at "home," the jokes, I dealt with it all.

And then he said it. The thing that set all this off. That one stupid comment.

"Yer just like yer father, Tigress."

I could tell he was sorry the moment the last word fell from his mouth, but I didn't care. Tears threatening to spill, I fled. I ran to my room and slammed the door.

And the worst part is, he never came to check on me. Never thought to talk, just assumed I wouldn't. That's when I first started cutting.

I just simply sat there and, silent as you please, I popped a claw and started to cut my arm. I made cut after cut until finally I was dizzy from blood loss. And then I made one more before sheathing my claw and waiting for my healing factor to kick in. My wounds were healed in seconds. I cleaned up the blood easily, getting rid of the scent with bleach, then I washed up and went downstairs.

That little habit continued for another month before he found out.

I got careless, I admit it. I was on my bed, halfway up my arm, when he just walked in. I froze, not even bothering to hide it.

He yelled and hollered, demanding to know why. I just shrugged and said I'd seen kids at school do it and why was it such a big deal? He sat on the bed beside me and explained that it was hurting me. I argued that I would heal and he shook his head. "It's hurtin' ya on the inside." he said. He made me promise that I would never do it again, that I would go straight to him if I ever got the urge to. I promised, fingers crossed the entire time. He kissed my head and left.

I did it the next day and the next day and the next day. I continued to cut myself. He never spoke with me about it again.

I started to get a little more excited and hopeful as my birthday rolled around. There was talk about a big party, with balloons, cake, ice cream, the works. Half the mansion was in on it and it was rumored to be "the biggest bash of this decade" even!

The event was planned out for weeks. Then it finally came around, the day before my birthday. I was excited, but pretended to know nothing about it. I walked into the biggest living room in the house, Jubilee right behind me and-

"Surprise! Happy birthday, Jubilee!"

I think my heart shattered then.

I forced a grin on my face, like I had known all along. Jubilee squealed, music was started, and the party was underway.

There was a huge cake brought out with the words "Happy birthday Jubes!" iced on it. There was also a picture of Logan and Jubilee, laughing about something. When the cake was cut, I was cruelly given Logan's smiling face. I forced myself to have a good time. Jubilee opened presents and then I caught sight of a card Logan had slipped her, under her piece of cake. I picked it up and read it.

_Jubilee,_

_How ya doin' darlin'? Hope yer birthday's all ya wanted and more. You were my partner, first and only, and I love ya more than anything._

_Happy birthday, partner!_

_-Wolvie_

I considered destroying the card, then simply put it back where I found it. _First and only partner._ The phrase echoed in my mind and I turned away from the party. I couldn't leave, but I could tune it all out.

It was finally over about two long hours later. I smiled and said my Happy birthday to Jubilee with a hug, then went up to my room. I lay on my bed, thinking about the way Logan had looked at Jubilee, full of pride and love and happiness.

_So show him. Show him how much it hurts to be left, abandoned and alone._

The thought crept into my head. I shook it away. I finally turned over and fell asleep, wondering how my birthday would turn out tomorrow.

* * *

I woke up the next morning, apprehensive. I got dressed, went downstairs, and had some breakfast wit most the others.

Nothing. Some good mornings, but that's all.

O.K. Maybe it would be a surprise, then.

Well, noon rolled around without anything. Most the kids just watched T.V. and about half the adults had hangovers from drinking last night, after the party. I saw Logan a few times, but he just said hello and left it at that.

One o' clock, two, three, four, finally five o' clock all passed. Nothing.

Dinner was served around seven. I pretended it was for me. I didn't need a birthday party! I tried to tell myself that, but I still felt the hurt that no one seemed to pick up on my mood at dinner. "Somethin' wrong, kid?" he asked, smiling at me.

"Nothin'. I'm not hungry. I'll see y'all tomorrow..." I mumbled, getting up and walking out. Logan looked confused, then he shrugged and went back to his roast beef.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the night. At eleven fifty-five, I lit a single candle.

"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear Luna... Happy birthday to me." I whisper-sang to myself. I blew out the candle just before the clock read midnight.

Two weeks rolled by without a word from Logan. I was told that he had business up North, which usually meant fighting with Creed.

For the first time, I actually got angry with him. What was with their stupid feud, anyway? Why couldn't they just drop it? I stomped off into the woods, fuming. I slashed apart trees and bushes, splinters of wood flying into my fur. I brushed them out.

"Why?" I screamed to no one. "Why did he have to forget me?"

I wasn't honestly sure who I was referring to: Logan or Creed.

I sat out there until night fell. Scott found me and told me that it was curfew and I had to go in. I did.

The words to "Whiskey Lullaby" suddenly popped into my head then.

I'd decided I'd had enough. I knew Hank was out of town that day and the next, so I stole downstairs and into his lab. Bottles of prescription drugs lined the cabinets: painkillers, sleep-aids, tranquilizers. I grabbed random bottles, not even looking at what I had.  
The bathroom medicine cabinet was next. I grabbed everything in there, then hit the greenhouse next. Storm kept pesticides and rat poisons stored in it. It was locked, but I just sliced through it. I took some needles that I had pinched from Hank's lab and filled them all with various poisons. There were six in all.

Everything was stashed upstairs in my room, well hidden. I went through my cutting ritual again, then wrote out a list.

1. Write suicide note. Explain why.  
2. Write individual letters to everyone.  
3. Tell Jason one last time you love him.

Jason was my boyfriend. He was a mutant and had the same physical mutations I did. We both looked like tigers. He had to move last year, but promised me that he would forever love me.  
I believed him. Still do.  
I went to bed, knowing that even if I lacked the strength to do this, then at least I had planned it all out.

* * *

Morning came. I rolled out of bed and stretched. I got dressed and headed to the kitchen. I ate, then got ready for the Danger Room session.

My mind was surprisingly clear as I ran through the simulation. I got hit a couple of times, but still cleared it.

Logan, however, wasn't satisfied. He growled that I could have dodged those attacks if I would focus. It took all I had to keep a straight face. I walked out in time to hear Laura, who I considered to be a sister to me, comment, "-the team would be better off without her."

Fighting tears, I ran. Just ran. Away from the mansion and out into the woods. I stayed there until Logan found me. He asked what I was doing. I shrugged him off. "Just sittin' out here, I guess." I said. He said it was curfew and everyone had to go in, so I did. I ate dinner with everyone, then ran to my room. I silently sat on the bed, absently cutting myself. I took a deep breath, waited a moment to heal, then started my note.

**X-Men,**  
** Hello and I guess good-bye. As George Strait once said, "I'm sorry to say it's come down to this. There's a whole lot about you that I'm gonna miss." Great song and a dang good country singer.**  
**Anyways, I'm not gonna go all mushy and say how much I'll miss you guys. I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.**  
** First, just some things I gotta say.**

** Kitty- I know Lance has been bugging you since you broke up with him. It won't happen anymore. Let's just say that he and I reached a little understanding. Stay strong and brilliant, Kitty. Don't let your fear rule you. Study hard with Logan and you'll have it, Shadowcat. Oh, and do me a favor. Would you and Kurt get together already? We all know it's bound to happen and you know he likes you just as much as you like him. Take a chance.**

** Jubilee- First of all, you. Bobby. Couple. You know it, he knows it. So suck up your pride or whatever and ask him already. Come on, Jubes. Second, I get it. The thing with you and Wol- I mean, Logan. You two are partners. I don't know the whole story and I don't care. I get it. Partners stick together, Jubilee. I understand now. Keep training and be serious for once, O.K.? The professor's trying real hard, cut him some slack. You can master your fireworks and be a real asset. Your friends love you, Jubes and so do I.**

** Rogue- Marie, Rogue, whatever name you choose to go by. I'll miss you. I know about you and Remy, so stop hiding it. Gambit's perfect for you, Rogue. Don't be afraid. Keep up the progress on your powers. I know it has to be tough, but you can do it. I know you can. In contrast to Jubilee, sometimes you just need to loosen up. Have some fun! Just keep your focus when the time calls for it, alright?**

** Laura- Don't be afraid to have fun! Train hard, but don't forget your friends. Oh, and you can stop running from HYDRA. All records of X-23 are gone. There's just Laura Kinney, Laura Howlette, or Laura Kinney Howlette. However you and Logan work it out. You have more training than anyone, but don't be afraid to ask a question about the real world. I know what you went through, believe me. About HYDRA, though: It's gone. I cut a deal with SHIELD and they helped destroy everything. The deal's been paid though, so don't worry about that, either. Have fun, cut loose, and don't be afraid.**

** Logan- Wolvie, Wolverine, Logan, James, all are names I've used for you over the years. But Logan was the first. I love you. Don't you ever doubt that. I forgive you for forgetting my birthday. Jubilee has always been your partner. I understand and it's O.K. Don't love me any less for what I've done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I ain't as strong as you. Call this the coward's way out because that's what I am. Let Jason know I'm alright now. As Jason Aldean once sang, "Tell 'em I'm out on vacation... tell 'em anything you want to, just don't tell 'em all the truth..." Remember that song? "The Truth" was one of my favorites. Play it for me sometime. I love you. All of you.**

** Good-bye.**

**-Luna Elvira Night**  
**Tigress**

I folded the note into an envelope, sealed it, and addressed it simply "X-Men." I sat down on my bed and cut down my arm, mentally preparing myself for what I was about to do.

Rain had started to fall. Thunder and lightning boomed and flashed as I picked up the first needle.

I held the needle in my hand, then picked up my phone. I dialed Jason's number.

He picked up on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Jason? I love you, Jason. Don't hate me for what I'm about to do, hon. I just wanted to hear your voice again." My voice shook as I spoke.

"Luna? Baby, what are you talking about about? Of course I love you, babe. I'll always love you."

"That's all I wanted to hear." I started to cry. "I love you Jason. And I'm sorry. Good-bye."

I heard him say "Luna, wait!" before I hung up.

I sunk the needle into my arm. Three to the right, three to the left. They started to burn as the poison hit them. I almost screamed, but instead I grabbed the medication I had taken. I shoved a handful into my mouth and gulped water down after them. I swallowed handful after handful. The jars finally lay empty. The last thing I did before falling unconscious was slash an X on my arm. Then all went black.

* * *

-blinks- I can't believe I just did that...

Well, now y'all know what happens when I decide to write whilst I am depressed...

Let me know if you want more, and I will try. I'm thinking of just leaving it a one-shot, though. Increases the tension and mystery, don't you think?

Anyways, read and review, please! Thanks.


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